


The silence never stayed

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Infant Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 04:35:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7962676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron and Robert need to find a way back to each other after the death of their son.</p><p>Loosely based on a tumblr prompt</p>
            </blockquote>





	The silence never stayed

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. This is not a happy fic, though it does have a hopeful ending. I did not do any research on cot deaths, so please be aware of this when reading: nothing is accurate. This fic is mainly to show how Robert and Aaron cope.
> 
> I wrote this with this prompt in mind: "Could just write anything robron angst with lots of anger, argument and tears. Any idea is up to you." Given to me by Cindy on Tumblr.

The world halted. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was supposed to last forever. Their family… Aaron and Robert and Isaac. That was supposed to be _it._ But Aaron held his son in his arms… his tiny little boy. Gone were the smiles that he and Robert had fallen in love with. Gone were the eyes full of wonder. Those little fingers wouldn’t grip anymore, his voice wouldn’t coo. 

Isaac’s lips were blue, his skin pale and cold, his fingers and toes already starting to become stiff. It was horrifying, and Aaron didn’t want to remember his child like this. Lifeless. But he couldn’t let him go.

****

‘Aaron.’ His mother’s sobbing voice. ‘Aaron, love. He’s gone, sweetheart. You have to let him go now, darlin’.’ When he did nothing, didn’t cry; didn’t scream; didn’t beg for time to reverse, she turned away. ‘Robert, help him.’

And then Robert was there, and he was warm and alive and in love with Aaron, and he’d help Aaron through this, he would.

But Aaron jerked their son away from Robert’s hands. ‘No! Get away from us!’

‘…Aaron,’ Robert sounded confused and upset. ‘Baby, please. I’m only trying to help.’

‘No! No, you did this, _you_!’

‘Aaron, love, calm down!’ Chas sobbed.

‘No! Get him away from Isaac!’ He held the little body close to him, tried to give the boy his own warmth, tried to give him his life. 

Robert was crying as well, silent tears falling down his face. ‘Aaron, please. Let me hold our son, please.’

But Aaron turned away from him, and he started sobbing and wailing. When Chas put a comforting hand on his shoulder, he wrenched himself away. She turned a questioning gaze on Robert, who looked absolutely crushed. 

‘If you hadn’t left him,’ Aaron was sobbing into the baby’s skin. ‘If you had just _stayed_ ; just watched him… he’d still be here.’

‘I didn’t leave him, Aaron,’ Robert said. ‘I didn’t!’

‘You must have done.’ It was a whisper, a dangerous whisper. ‘You had to have left him while I was away! You were supposed to protect him!’

He suddenly shoved Robert with one hand when his husband dared to move closer.

‘Aaron!’ Chas pushed herself between them, standing in front of Robert protectively. ‘Aaron, love, _please_ stop. This isn’t Robert’s fault, sweetheart. It’s no one’s fault.’

And Aaron’s face crumbled, and he cried into the blanket that he’d wrapped around Isaac’s small body, and he wailed until he was breathless. 

****

The service was scheduled for a week later. In that time, Chas had suggested that it’d be best if Robert gave Aaron space. It was the worst thing, being away from him. Second worst. Robert’s breath hitched and he started to cry again. 

He was soon enveloped by Victoria’s arms. She shushed him soothingly, rocking him back and forth. ‘It’s okay, Rob,’ she whispered. ‘It’s okay.’

‘No. It isn’t,’ he gasped. ‘It’s never gonna be okay again, Vic. I did it… I killed him.’

‘No. No, you didn’t and you _know_ you didn’t. So does Aaron.’

Robert shook his head. ‘He hates me, Vic. God, you should have heard him. I just—I just wanted to hold my _son_.’

Vic rocked him again and pulled him until his head was resting on her shoulder. ‘Don’t do this to yourself,’ she whispered. ‘It’s not your fault, Robert. I promise you, it isn’t. Cot deaths happen so often, Rob.’

‘Why’d it happen to us?’ he said. ‘Why us? We’ve been through so much, Vic. Things were finally going _right_.’

The door opened and closed. Adam walked into the living room, looking exhausted. Robert sat up straight. ‘How is he?’ he asked.

‘Same as yesterday,’ Adam replied. ‘Quiet, morose, cries all the time.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘Never seen him like this. He needs you, Rob.’

‘He keeps pushing me away,’ Robert said.

‘Then keep trying to get back to him,’ his brother-in-law insisted. ‘You’re the only one who can get through to him.’

Robert shook his head. He didn’t know if he had the strength for another visit to Aaron, only to have his husband spit bile at him again. ‘He’s not alone, is he?’

‘No. Paddy’s there.’

‘Right.’

****

Two days later, there was a knock at Aaron’s door. He watched from his position on the armchair as Chas got up to answer it. ‘Oh. Come in, love.’

Robert entered the living room, and looked at everything but Aaron.

‘I’ll give you some space,’ Chas said. 

Robert stood still, his eyes moving about restlessly. Aaron watched him, then watched the floor, then watched him, then watched the wall, then watched—

‘The service is day after next,’ Robert said quietly. Aaron just nodded. ‘We’ll be carrying the coffin together.’

‘Don’t want you anywhere _near_ him,’ Aaron hissed, though the venom in his voice was slightly less than it had been last week.

Robert wavered where he stood. He looked terrible. Adam had told him how terrible Robert had looked, and his heart had clenched. But it was like there were two sides to him now: the man he fell in love with, the man who had promised to cherish him through everything, the man he could find support in _always_. And the man who had allowed their son to die. 

Aaron breathed shakily and the tears came again. Robert shuffled towards him, but Aaron shook his head. 

‘I love you, Aaron,’ Robert whispered. ‘I love you so much. I—I wish I could… turn back time. Or just do _something_ to bring him back, but I can’t.’

‘You were supposed to take care of him,’ Aaron said, his voice barely audible.

‘I’m sorry. He was my son as well.’

‘Sorry isn’t gonna bring him back.’

‘Neither will hating me.’

Aaron looked up at him. The tears fell again. ‘Get out, Robert,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t have the strength for this.’

And Robert nodded and he left. Aaron listened for his footsteps by the door, but instead heard the voices of his mother and husband talking. 

‘Take care of him,’ Robert was saying. The _‘you know how he is’_ was unsaid, but it was there, in the tight, concerned lilt of Robert’s voice.

‘You know I will,’ Chas replied. ‘He’ll be fine, Robert. And then he’ll… he’ll need you. Take care of yourself, yeah?’

He didn’t hear a reply, but imagined Robert’s nod. Then the door opened and closed. And silence. 

The tears fell again.

****

There was a couple in the café arguing. Aaron and Chas sat in silence, their ears tuned into them. A domestic. He was going away. She was accusing him of cheating. It was an argument that Robert and Aaron had had at the beginning of their relationship, when Aaron still found it hard to trust Robert. It was the kind of argument they hadn’t had in years.

Aaron wanted to throw the table, wanted to hurl his coffee mug, wanted to scream and yell. Because how _dare_ they argue about that? How _dare_ they argue about something so normal, fall out over something so minor? He hated them. He hated them for arguing, when he had lost his son.

He got to his feet and ran out of the café. He didn’t stop until he was at the bridge. 

Someone was behind him. Had seen him running and had followed him. 

‘Aaron?’ Laurel.

His jaw clenched. He didn’t want the words of a vicar’s wife. He wanted his son back. But she was there, and she was standing next to him, and she was offering him silent support.

‘I lost a child,’ she said after a while. ‘Daniel.’

He nodded. He knew. He remembered Ashley laying flowers there months after Jackson died. Now Ashley lay there too, and Laurel had two people to remember.

‘I miss him every day,’ she said. Her voice was high with tears and sorrow. ‘Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him.’

‘If you’re trying to make me feel better,’ he said, ‘you’re not.’

‘Nothing can make you feel better after losing a child,’ she said. ‘You give your life and your love completely to them, Aaron. And if they leave, they take a part of you with them.’

He sniffed deeply and wiped his eyes. ‘I hate everything.’

‘I know that feeling too,’ she confided. ‘I hated my Dad, hated Ashley, hated myself. And it all made me so _tired_.’ She pressed a hand to Aaron’s back. ‘Hate things for a while, Aaron. Shout and scream for a while, and let everything out. But don’t forget the people that love you. Because they’ll help you through this, and they need _you_ as well.’

Aaron didn’t answer, but it seemed that Laurel didn’t expect him to.

****

‘You hear stories about couples who fall out of love when a child dies,’ Robert said. He watched as Victoria chopped carrots. ‘I didn’t think it was possible; it’s supposed to bring you closer, isn’t it? The death of a loved one?’

Diane stopped stirring the pot for a moment. ‘Deaths of children affect people differently, pet,’ she said gently. ‘Don’t blame Aaron.’

‘I don’t,’ he said. And he didn’t. There wasn’t a bone in his body that blamed him for the way he was being. Because a part of him knew that he’d be the same. He was lethal sometimes, and he knew that he could cut Aaron with his words. Nothing could have saved Isaac. He was almost glad Aaron wasn’t the one to find him: Aaron's guilt had a life of its own, and he knew that nothing in the world could have stopped him from blaming himself. He'd rather Aaron hate him than to turn the anger on himself.

The front door opened: Adam returning from work. He was running the scrapyard single-handedly for a while. He never complained. But this time there were two sets of footsteps. Robert didn’t need to look to know who it was. Nevertheless, his heart leapt when he turned around.

Aaron’s eyes flicked to his own, then away, then he walked into the living room. Robert followed him. Aaron stood in the middle of the room, looking small and unsure. Robert wanted to hug him, but daren’t. He put his hands in his pockets instead.

They didn’t speak. Neither knew what to say. Something in Aaron had cleared, though. Something was a little different, but he couldn’t put his finger on what.

‘I slept in his room last night,’ Aaron said finally. ‘Dragged the duvet in, and some pillows. I didn’t think I could sleep, but.’ He shrugged.

Robert nodded. 

‘I watched him, Aaron,’ Robert said. He wasn’t even aware of himself talking until the words were out of his mouth. ‘I watched him, and his chest was rising and falling, and he was asleep.’ He rubbed his hand across his mouth, feeling sick suddenly. He didn’t need to say anymore. Isaac had been asleep, and then he hadn’t.

‘I don’t want to think about it,’ Aaron whispered. ‘You’re standing on the left tomorrow.’

And he walked out. There was a lot Robert could have said; should have said. But he was a coward and he let him leave.

****

The church was full. Everyone was in black. No one smiled, no one talked. Lisa had squeezed Aaron’s arm and then took her seat next to Belle. Moira had kissed him on the cheek, Cain had hugged him (the second time in his life), Zak and Sam ducked their heads in condolence. Liv had skyped him again this morning, full of apologies that she couldn’t be there today.

Jimmy nodded at Robert, his eyes full of tears. Nicola kissed his cheek. Vic hugged him and only let go when her husband ushered her on. Robert looked across and caught Aaron’s eye. 

The service began.

****

The hole in the ground was tiny. Aaron bit his lip to stop it from trembling. His little boy. He watched the coffin being lowered in. He threw the dirt onto the coffin. He breathed in and out. 

But then he heard a sob from his left, and looked and saw Robert breaking down. He reached out, grabbed him around the waist and pulled him in. Robert held him tightly and cried onto his shoulder, the tears soaking through both Aaron’s jacket and shirt. 

Harriet said a few more words, but he had eyes only for the coffin, and his body was dedicated only to feeling Robert trembling. Then the service was over, and Paddy patted him on the back, his Mum kissed the back of his head, and Diane rubbed Robert’s forearm, and then they were alone. 

Robert drew back first. Aaron kept a hand around his waist. Then they gravitated towards each other again and kissed gently, chastely. An apology, a plea for forgiveness, an acceptance. An ‘I love you’.

They stood until the afternoon sun went behind a cloud, and until they could hear only the crows in the trees. They said a final goodbye to their boy and walked home.

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr: [Port in a Storm](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)
> 
> Title is a line from the song 'The Breach' by Dustin Tebbutt


End file.
